We lie. And we get lied to. A lot of times.
That is the inconvenient truth.
Beyond the platitudes of truth being on a pedestal of higher morality, the dirty reality of life is that truth is hard to accept and harder to administer.
However, we are conditioned by a society which teaches us that honesty is a virtue. We learn it in school, wield it as badge of honour to reflect our image and more often than not use it as a sword of indignation to defend an argument.
Virtues can be hard to practise though, and it is the harshness of truth, that probably caused the invention of lying. Then we realised that lying allowed us to cut our cake and eat it too (at least for a while).
Deep down however, we all knew when we were wrong.
So if we rip the band-aid and look inside dispassionately — here are some of the choices that force our hand to bend the truth, or in other words — lie.
In most cases people lie because,
a: They don’t want to be held accountable
b: They are looking for an easy way out of an inconvenient situation
c: They are trying to protect the other person
These reasons are all logical and in some cases even moral. Protecting someone has an air of nobel selflessness . Even though, the person who needs protecting is also the person who is being wronged. So the act can also be seen as an act of extreme selfishness depending on the perspective and context.
Lies that stem from insecurity can be reasoned with. Once you get beyond the hurt, you can apply logical reasoning and you can come to terms with it. It is the pathological lie, that is far more difficult to deal with.
Pathological lies have their roots in insecurity, but they come laced with shades of narcissism, based on an individuals addiction, which becomes their raison d’etre . A chase which the individual knows is harmful, but still panders to, because it’s this rush of dopamine that outweighs the cost.
The cost of that dopamine is the lie.
These lies are based on justifying a defence. To shift the context of a situation that may have certain societal judgement attached to it (eg: drinking, cheating, gambling, stealing, drugs etc). The problem exacerbates because addicts cannot stop indulging into their addiction. This then leads them to justify their actions through repeated lying so as to not lose standing in the moral court of self righteousness.
Pathological liars take enormous time to plan lies. They build context, drop hints and try to fabricate a situation where the lie starts being perceived as truth by those who trust them. Months before they commit the act.
They do this for a few reasons
1: They do not want to be caught before or during the act
2: In a weird way they do not want to hurt their loved ones. They care and rationalise act versus outcome
3: They hate this process of lying, but they cannot help it, because of low self-esteem and a lack of accountability
So then, what breaks the camels back?
It’s the addiction that gives them away. Because any addiction is so deep rooted, that addicts cannot help but follow the patterns they need — to obtain their supply. If you ignore their words, and just follow their patterns you will see the clockwork similarity of their behaviour, excuses, the stories that never quite add up and their absences that can never be accounted for.
Lying is not going to go away. Those who are pathologically tied to it will continue to lie. When found out, they will use verbal or physical abuse, indignation and manufactured drama to get offensive and use offence as their best defence. However, if you can understand their underlying reason, you can make sense of it. You can defuse the hurt. You can shelter your feelings better. You can offer help by not judging, in what is actually an act of self preservation on their part, stemming from deep rooted unhappiness and insecurities tied to their life situation.
You can provide support that helps them to be honest. Back them when they are honest, so that they can build trust. Fact is we all want to trust others (it’s easier). We only lie when we are afraid that we would be misunderstood or we cannot extricate ourselves from our present situation and still want something that the situation does not allow us to experience.
You can thereby be kind. Even though it may not make any difference to them at times, it will help you stay positive and full of good energy. Anger, depression, hatred and negativity erode away at the core of our soul and cause mental exhaustion. That’s no good.
Stay positive and you will radiate the same positivity and that can help others. You also need to look into yourself. The reason’s that led them to lie to you. Maybe there are opportunities for you to improve yourself. Be more accepting. Be less judgemental.
Those who lie are not bad people (truth is we all lie). They are just incredibly unhappy and dissatisfied inside, which leads them to take short cuts to moments of happiness.
Understand this and you can empathise with them. You can help hold a mirror to them without passing judgement. You can be there for them when the shame hits.
Judge less. Care more. Be compassionate.
Who knows – one day you might need the same backing.
Ultimately it is up to them to open their eyes and see, but that’s on them. For you it’s s choice. Of helping out or walking away.
And walking away is always the easier part.
